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Mile High Schlub

Mile High Schlub

by July 8, 2014 0 comments

Recently this video came across my desk as probably one of the worst excuses for a safety video. While most videos are contained and only meant for the people working a certain job where there a plenty of safety hazards, but this one meant for public consumption has me dumbfounded.

This video for German airliner Condor Airlines is the actual safety video they are still running, this isn’t a weird 90’s video but actually a current one. To my surprise these are the only instructions given the entire flight. (They start their drink service while it plays) They have both English and German versions of this video but I prefer the German one for more of WTF factor, “They can’t be serious” is one thing that comes to mind.

It opens on the captain welcoming the passengers aboard the flight, this kills two birds with one stone because it says look we’ve trusted the plane to a guy that can look directly into a camera rather than keep his eyes on the sky, and now he doesn’t have to make his standard annoying PA call to the cabin to tell you how everything is going up there.

The finally theres something I can get behind, the sexiest stewardess I think I’ve seen since Christina Applegate and Gwyneth Paltrow played some in that awful movie. She then gets upstaged by probably one of the best portrayals of Paris Hilton who tries to shove her dog in the overhead, something that doesn’t seem too farfetched even for something trying to be funny. Then she proceeds to look confused as hell as to why the hot stewardess is moving her dog while calling it a hairy object.

Then theres the standard how to buckle a seatbelt shot followed by the weirdo at (0:57), is he a race car driver, some sort of future spaceman that has come back and still has to resort to flying coach. But then theres the followup where he winks at her as to say “Yeah gurl you kno you like this shit”

Apparently Elvis is alive and he is singing along to one of his songs on his mp3 player and then continues to shoot his finger guns at the old woman next to him who should be able to remember he’s dead, but all the same plays along. Finally he notices that the flight attendant wants him to shut up and be respectful so now it’s “Sleepy time” for the king as he might as well have said “Fuck you old lady I turning out both these lights”

If it wasn’t bad enough already now it gets just a tiny bit racist, if the music doesn’t clue you in than the portrayal of, lets call him “Smoking Horse”, its pretty awful. In a way that this should be a 3D movie we get to see his “peace pipe” that I’m amazed made it through security. He tries to spark up this monster till his buddy in fringe tells him “Dude there’s a light that says you can’t”

We’re then treated to what I would call a decent Charlie Chaplin impersonation, but the idea that he would be on a plane to Germany is completely ludicrous, due to his satire and portrayal of Hitler in The Great Dictator. The video continues with some more standard aircraft jargon about life vests and such. The following quote scares the living bejeezus out of me though “In the event of an emergency ditching”. Most airlines call it a deplaning or at most an evacuation, but to call it a ditching gives me the horrible picture of a pilot trying to “Ghost ride the whip” with a freaking plane. Think about it “Ding Dong Ditch”, “Ditching a bro for some puss”, or a literal freaking ditch that a plane might land in. This might be the worst verbiage to say to people in a metal tube at 40,000 feet in the air.

Finally another dead celebrity cameo, this one comes in the form of Marilyn Monroe and (as she is credited) Mini Marilyn. They tell us the importance of putting on your oxygen mask, which is fine I have no qualms with this other than the implication that young girls should model themselves after Marilyn Monroe, but I digress. While they once again tell us the importance of turning off our cellphones, the audience is treated with a nice wave from the Queen of England because why wouldn’t she be on this flight.

For the final portion of the video there is a nice little bit where they get you ready for the upcoming flight making you feel important with the music and then they give you this at (3:17) a Neil Armstrong knockoff that even changes his “One small step for man” quote to make it important and pertinent to the video.

Why all of this is morbid as Fuck:

Over half of the passengers on this flight are already dead, minus the stewardess and the captain, most of the people on this plane are either dead or dying. Everyone who isn’t a celebrity on this plane is older than dirt and is probably on their way. The only way they could’ve made this video worse would be to set it to a Lynryd Skynyrd song and have Buddy Holly on the plane as well. The majority of the plane is dead, or has no soul (Paris Hilton). The point is as fun of an idea that this video started with there are certain implications that make horrible beyond belief. Plus did you see fucking Smoking Horse.

You’re Welcome, Jaboi

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