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3 New Sex Toys Guaranteed To Make You A Little Sad

3 New Sex Toys Guaranteed To Make You A Little Sad

by March 5, 2015 0 comments

We all know that tech has evolved along with our sexual needs (or demands), we have high speed internet so spanking it isn’t delayed by long download times, we’ve got wi-fi so mom can’t catch you jerking it using her iPad while you’re locked in the can, we even have phone applications which allow users to find someone to fornicate with in the nearest gas station bathroom are now available. The possibilities are endless…until you cum.

Technologically, humanity is on top of toys for grown ups. Saving our dying planet? Eh…we’ll get there. Seriously though, we have computers in our pockets, in our bedrooms, in our cars and they’re accessible to anyone.

Whether that’s a pro or con, you can decide.

So of course we’re constantly fetishising our tech, we’re always stroking the screens, cleaning them, and looking gazingly into our cameras. We sleep next to our tech, we eat with our tech and of course we communicate with our tech. Now…you can have sex with your tech. No I mean like actual sex…like with a person…but not at all with a person.

We’ll soon be sticking tech inside of our bodies, because now that we’ve begun put ourselves into tech, it’s only appropriate that it should get a little bit of penetration. I digress, on to the sex toys!

1. You Can Now Fuck Your iPad

Last year, the lovely folks over at Fleshlight (the creators of the best selling pocket vagina. Yes: Pah-Ket Vuh-Jayna), released their latest abomination: The Fleshlight Launchpad. Which is an attachment for the iPad, which allows the user to “fully immerse themselves”[The Independent] in whatever they’re watching. Like that sexy SOA marathon on Netflix, or steamy cat videos. Say you’re on Skype or FaceTime, and things get hot and heavy, you can ruin the mood by creating a strange Blair Witch style jerk off video, “for your partner’s pleasure.” Wink wink.

Does it move? Like is it a robot vagina? No. It’s just a weird thing for weirdos to be weird with.


2. Take Selfies of Your Vagina. No, The Inside Of Your Vagina. 

So, apparently some people are into what seems more like a medical procedure, or a spelunking expedition, than a sexual experience. That, or this selfie culture shit is even further out of hand than any one had previously thought. Celebrity leaks, are going to be even more invasive. “With what? What the hell are you talking about?” You ask. Don’t worry my crunchy friend, I’ll tell you after this sentence.

Right here: Introducing the new ‘Svakom Gaga Camera Vibrator,’ which is exactly what you think it is (Svakom Gaga gave it away right?). It’s a vibrator with a built in camera (talk about “Hold steady’), so that users can attach the vibrator to their phones and take selfie shots of their guts. Okay, not guts..but kind of guts. Now, speculum porn has been a thing in the past, so some folks are just into turning women inside out, I guess. It costs about $200 and people are using it already for “filming their orgasms” and whispering to a whispering eye over a Skype call.


3. You Can Charge Your Phone While Jerking Off, Because We’re Monkeys

Okay, so if fucking your iPad wasn’t enough, you can now charge it while caught in the act! Let’s say your wife’s ‘Svakom Gaga Camera Vibrator’ drained your phone’s battery life, no worries, just start beating it to her selfies. Life is very reciprocal, if you just open your mind.

The computer scientists working for PornHub (who are also working on ways to take over mankind) [Editor’s note: We at CyberPot do not think that PornHub is an evil company bent on world domination via humanity’s genitals] have now invented a wearable device similar to  a wristwatch but nearly as classy as even one of those old school Mickey Mouse watches where his hands were the clock’s “hands,” and this device uses the energy you exert from bopping your baloney to charge your phone battery.

Hurrah! The energy crisis is solved!

Ladies and (especially) gentleman, introducing the Wankband.


[Via CollegeHumor and The Independent]

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