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7 Steps to Sustainability

7 Steps to Sustainability

by March 20, 2015 0 comments

We’re living in scary times, right now, but things may have always been this rough. There’s no real way to tell. However, we’re facing water and food shortages, climate change, mass extinctions, forest fires, epidemics, and spiders still climb into our mouths at night!

Many experts have suggested eating bugs (we’ve already addressed the spider issue), and reverting our sewage water into drinkable water, but that’s too much work for the Instagram generation. There are just too many pictures of flan to be taken. So what are we to do? Well, don’t you fret my dear, crusty friend! The following are some tips on how to be sustainable and maybe survive potential doom. At the very least, they can help you irritate your friends with more information to which they’re apathetic.

But first:

Credit: Vape Naked



1. Pee in the shower, brush your teeth in there, do your laundry in there, and you know what, get hydrated too. 

With the risk of sounding like a Seinfeld episode, I believe that the first step to a sustainable lifestyle is optimization. Whether it be optimizing time, energy, and water or blog space. First step, start peeing in the shower if you don’t already (but I’m pretty sure we all do). Tell your roommates to do it too, if they have a problem with it, then they’re not your real roommates and you deserve better. Once you’re comfortable urinating in the same place you clean yourself, start brushing your teeth in the shower, not necessarily while peeing (though that sounds like a lot of fun). Next, you may want to start washing your clothes in the shower while you’re at it. Make sure not to urinate or spit toothpaste on your laundry, as this will not maintain their cleanliness. Now that you’re an expert in water optimization, take a big swig from the shower head, you deserve to hydrate yourself.

See how happy he is?

See how happy he is?

2. Instead of using a fan or air conditioning, blow on people

Fans and A/C (not Slater, silly!) weigh heavily on the utility bill, and ceiling fans might do this:

And then someone will have to waste water to clean it up.

And then someone will have to waste water to clean it up.

Such mechanical devices can also be loud and distracting. So what is the solution? Breathe on people! Say it’s summertime, and you’re in transit, you see that people are suffering from the suffocating heat. You can walk up to individuals and blow in their faces like a good samaritan. You can make an adorable joke by telling them “I’m your biggest fan!” You can make what they call a “raspberry” noise with your tongue in order to create a cooling mist, and you will walk off of that bus a hero. At night, make sure you and your partner are close enough that you can exhale in each others’ faces. What’s even better, morning breath makes for an environmentally friendly alarm clock.

BONUS: Breath also doubles as a life source.

Just ask these fine gentlemen!

Just ask these fine gentlemen!

3. Smoke Pot

Why not? It makes everything more bearable, and then you can sustain better.

Sustainability myan!

Sustainability, man!

4. Do the Macarena

 Part of a sustainable lifestyle is recycling. Why create new songs or dances when you can still do old ones? If you’re not a fan of the Macarena, there are innumerable other options such as The Electric Slide, The Hustle, The Ketchup Song Dance, and the less popular Helter Skelter dance, only performed once by the eccentric Manson family. Part of sustainability is also population control.

Such dances also make Bar Mitzvah's as fun as they are.

Such dances also make Bar Mitzvah’s as fun as they are.


5. Eat Chips

There are so many different flavors and variety of chips, that it only makes sense that this is the most sustainable foodstuff on the planet. You can have anything from a roast chicken to some pickles, and now even cappuccino! Why would you eat anything else? Ever?!!?! WHY!??!?!?!?!?!

Err…excuse me.



6. Stop Having Sex

Your time, money, energy, and most other things would be better spent on other things. I’m not saying sex is bad. I’m saying what if instead of trying to fuck all the time, we focused on more important things. We could find out where socks go after they disappear from the dryer. We could find out if that penny I ate as a child is still lodged in my digestive tract somewhere. We also have a lot of people already, and young or old, they all have a lot of growing up to do.

Side note: I’m not telling you to stop out of jealousy or anything. No, I’m doing just fine. Why are you laughing?

Look how many people it takes to have sex! Definitely not sustainable!

Look how many people it takes to have sex! Definitely not sustainable!

7. Use the internet, a lot. Especially to visit 

The best way to optimize your time is obviously to spend it on the internet. Cat pictures, memes, rude comments, arguments, racism, bestiality, robots doing backflips, pretty girls making stupid drunk faces, ugly girls making smart drunk faces, bros being bros, bros being hoes, bros before hoes, hoedowns, tally hoes… What were we talking about? Oh yes, the internet. Basically, you’re doing all you need to do right now, by being here at, Your Gateway To The Internet. Huh? Not bad, right? And we distracted you for 20 minutes. I think we over here at, that’s right, are going to just fine. I think this may be sustainable.

Y'all Come Back Now Ya Hear?

Y’all Come Back Now, Ya Hear?


This article is intended for humor and satire purposes. The author is not a life coach, nor a scientist, nor an expert of any kind, really. So, uh…yeah, don’t do things he tells you to do, because it’s all a big joke. 


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