Archive

All posts by category
Stoner Etiquette – 10 Tips For Improving Your Smoking Manners

Stoner Etiquette – 10 Tips For Improving Your Smoking Manners

by February 19, 2015 0 comments

Firstly, I’d like to apologize for using the term “stoner,” as it and “pothead” have grown out of fashion. Those words seem to have the connotations of an epithet now that attitudes towards marijuana have loosened. It does an injustice to recreational users and patients alike to use terminology which is associated with the “back of the class” loser, whose diet consists of pizza and Twizzlers, and whose idea of fun is anything as long as they’re high. But weed does get you stoned, so “stoner” just sort of works. Besides, I was looking for something along the lines of “foodies” but “weedies” sounds like a breakfast cereal and “potties” is just giggle-worthy. So “stoners” it is, and besides, who doesn’t love pizza and Twizzlers? And shit, I could dig graves for fun if I were stoned while doing it.

So why a stoner etiquette guide? Because I’ve seen and heard about too many a faux pas (I believe that’s French for “fuck ups”) [Editor’s note: this is actually old Catalan. It means something like “ugly placemat.” Linguists have yet to give a definitive time or reason for its induction into English. We scientists have agreed that stoners had something to do with it.], and I’m not the type to keep my opinions to myself.

So here we are, I’m going to teach you how not to be a dick when it comes to smoking weed. [Author’s Note: Please keep in mind that I’m not telling anyone to do anything illegal, I do not condone breaking the law, and this article is intended for humor purposes only. Plus, I figure people are already getting stoned, so why not perfect it?]. Now that I’ve protected my ass, I will teach you to be a gentlemanly smoker, and you’ll soon make a bunch of cannabuddies.

[Authors Note: You’re totally going to say that now: “Cannabuddies.” Whatever, I make dope portmanteaus in my sleep.]

1.Pass to the Left

People who don’t know this are like those people who stand on the wrong side of the escalator (I’m walkin’ here!) even though we’re in the 21st century.  I don’t know how often it happens that a rotation gets fucked up, because of a lack of order in a cypher or session (I will use both terms interchangeably). People are getting high, so it’ll already be difficult enough for them to keep themselves in order. Nobody wants to be policing the group, so pass to the left. Why the left? Because there’s a song about it, and that’s good enough for everyone else. Also, don’t switch your position halfway through a session. You could end up looking greedy, and you probably will be by taking someone else’s turn, whether or not it’s intentional. It’s unlikely that anyone will say anything, but they’ll be thinking it, and thinking it hard.

2.Bring Your Own, and Don’t Ask For Anybody Else’s

Hey man, we’ve all been there. You’re at a concert, a friends’ place or a party, and you forgot to bring some bud. Maybe your “guy” didn’t pick up his phone, or your dispensary closed early. Whatever the reason, it happens, and it’s fine once in a while to ask someone if you can join in on their cypher. However, if the joint isn’t already rolled, or the bowl isn’t packed, don’t ask for a damn thing, it’s offensive. You didn’t pay for it, so let whoever it is offer you something before you feel entitled to it. If the joint is out and sparked, go ahead and ask to join. Just don’t be that guy all the time, and make sure to repay the favor (unless the person is a stranger you’ll never see again). Nobody likes a mooch, and nobody likes an ingrate.

If you’re on vacation, don’t go around asking any dude with a backpack or white guy with dreadlocks where to find herb. Because: A) That’s insane. You could get arrested, B) It’s rude, and C) You might have to have a conversation with a white guy who has dreadlocks.

So, how do you find weed in a city you’ve never been to? It usually finds you. I guarantee someone trusted could help you out. Always be willing to throw down some cash. You’ll end up with some herb of your own, you won’t be a burden, and you have first dibs in the session. See, I’m just looking out for you.

3.Know How To Roll

I unapologetically stand by this. I’m from the school of “help those who help themselves.” Even if you’re not good at rolling, you can at least offer to be useful. A proud roller will always make his or herself known, and they’ll likely volunteer. You can always be useful by breaking up bud, but rolling knowledge is always better. If you understand the dynamics involved in rolling a good doob, you can be a better “navigator.” Say there’s a strong wind or nothing to roll on/with, maybe a packing tool is needed. You’ll just be more useful to the productivity of the group as a whole because you can find your position.

You’re also less likely to fall victim to rip-offs. If you’re always handing your trees over to another individual – trusted or not – they won’t give a shit about how much of your weed they use or lose. Yeah, they’ll drop your weed on the ground, and the cause for their remorse is that they didn’t get to smoke it. They’ll roll with as much of your herb as they can, so as to extend their own stash’s lifetime. I’m not saying everyone will be an asshole, but it’s good to avoid these situations altogether. By taking charge of your own fate, you’ll avoid heartache, and headaches. I’m just trying to be your cannabuddy (it worked well there, I think).

4.Shut The Fuck Up

Okay, I know it doesn’t look like I’m trying to be anything other than abrasive here, but give me a chance to explain. What I can’t stand about weed smokers, is that too often all they talk about is smoking weed…while they are smoking weed! (I’ll also include talk of drugs and alcohol) Nobody cares how fucked up you got one time, unless it’s one of those genuinely great stories in which you got locked out of the hotel room with no pants on. If your story consists of you sitting on your couch and passing out, it’s not a story. If you’re hanging out with potheads, they’ll assume you were stoned during any story you have to tell. So shut up. Don’t talk about the weed you’re smoking. Don’t talk about what kind it is or constantly repeat how great it is. Everybody heard you when you were rolling, and they’re smoking it now, so they know. Let them compliment your weed if anything. Don’t be a braggart. (I get the best shit, anyway.)

Another thing that’s terrible is loud smokers: people who get too stoned and can’t control their behavior. Don’t bait-out the scene (Bait-Out: To call attention to oneself), you don’t want complaints or any other difficulties. Nobody should have to babysit you (this includes smoking too much, you should know your tolerance.) Don’t blow everyone else’s buzz. It’s fine to get silly and joke around. Try not to make an ass of yourself, though. Just chill the fuck out and shut the fuck up. Which brings me to the next point:

5. Don’t Suggest Going To Any Place That You Don’t Know Is Safe

Seriously, too many people get caught by the wrong people for smoking weed in the wrong place. Also, (and I should hope this is obvious) physically harmful or dangerous places are no good. Everybody likes to be silly when high, it’s one of the best parts, but you want a safe environment where no injuries can occur. Obviously, injuries can occur without the aid of mind altering substances, but the less that happen as a result of getting high, the better for all of us. Nobody can blame the plant if it doesn’t hurt anyone. Be safe, always. Plus, in a comfortable environment, you’ll feel freer to indulge and enjoy yourself without any repercussions, except maybe gut-rot from too many Doritos.

6. Know Your Lingo

Maybe I’m an elitist. The more I write this article, the more it feels that I’m taking the fun out of smoking pot, but isn’t part of the fun being able to speak the language? I think so. If you are going to break rule number 2, it helps not to sound like a narc and amongst friends, it’s best not to sound like your dad. Don’t call pot “reefer.” Know how to ask for common amounts rather than asking “how much for a joint?” Never say, “let’s do weed,” or anything along those lines, you weirdo. I know a guy who says, “I’m so toasted,” and finished his sentences with “maaaan.” I always want him to “pass the grass before blowing this pop stand, brother.” I also want him to never be around me.

7.If You’ve Only Got Schwag, Don’t Share it

Unless it’s all there is, don’t do it. Schwag (or “bunk” weed) is the worst. It usually tastes like shit. It’s more likely to give you a headache or nausea than to cure either, and it looks like you don’t respect yourself or anyone else. I’m not saying break our 2nd rule, but maybe you could offer to pitch in for something better.

Bonus point: if you’ve only got a tiny joint, it’s best to keep it to yourself. It’s a nice gesture to offer, but everybody loses out when there’s not enough to go around.

8.Don’t Pocket Lighters

I shouldn’t have to say anything about this. It inconvenient for everyone, and it’s not very nice. Don’t pocket papers either. If you have a problem, the first step is admitting it. If you’re using someone else’s’ lighter, keep it in your hand until you give it back. But never under any circumstance stick that thing in your pocket. If you’re intentionally pocketing lighters, you’re a monster.

9. Have Munchies in Mind Before You Make A Suggestion To Get Some

Similarly to rule 1, nobody needs any further confusion. The worst is when the conversation sounds like that of the vultures in the Jungle Book:

“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know, how about you?”

That will go on forever if nobody makes a suggestion. I’ve been witness to it innumerable times, and it’s hardly enjoyable. Even the worst suggestion (Arby’s) is better than none at all.

Bonus Tip: Bring some water or a drink when you smoke, if you can. You won’t regret it. Same with some munchies, even if you go for something else, you can snack on the way.

10.PUFF, PUFF, PASS, MOTHERFUCKER

“Don’t Bogart the joint” – To hold the joint broodingly like Humphrey Bogart with a cigarette.

“It’s not a microphone” – It isn’t, you can’t even plug it in.

“Puff, puff, pass, motherfucker”- You only get two tokes every turn, anything more is unacceptable unless you’re smoking a blunt or a joint the size of a baseball bat. If you wait long enough in any cypher, eventually, someone opts out. Then, you get to take as many hits as you want, and you too will want to opt out at some point. The second time it comes around, you won’t remember that you didn’t want anymore.

Is that confusing? It doesn’t matter, I’m mostly amazed you got this far into the article. This is the end of it, by the way. Hopefully, I didn’t suck all the fun out of getting baked with my huffing and puffing. I just thought Hey, why not make a difference in the world?

But then I got high.

No Comments so far

Jump into a conversation

No Comments Yet!

You can be the one to start a conversation.

Only registered users can comment.